MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We just shotgunned beers for America
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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