seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
