Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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