I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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