please come you make the beer taste better
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
