This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
