He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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