so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
