please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
