just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
