Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
