I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
