You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
