I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I understand Curling. That high.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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