hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
