Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This is my life. Enjoy the view
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
