I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
