Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
