some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
