I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
