The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
