i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
two words...techno handjob
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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