I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sext me about skeletons
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
