I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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