Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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