I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
