Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
