Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
