he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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