I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
