hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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