my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
