it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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