So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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