how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
