i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
