Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I smell stomach acid.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
