Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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