She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So apparently I’m into choking now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
