i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
