alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
