i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
