My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
