Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
