Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
