I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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