Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
