Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
