You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
