I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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