Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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