you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
