I think i peed on brittanys purse
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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