Umm I'm too high to move.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
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His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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