I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
