I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
