walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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