I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
