I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
