Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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