I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
