Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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